I’m feeling okay.
Wait.
Why does that make me… uneasy?
Like, things are sort of fine. No spiral today. No existential monologue mid-shower. No one disappointed me in any spectacular new way. I even replied to that message I ignored like it was a full-time job. I should be happy, right?
And yet here I am – standing in the kitchen, chewing on nothing just staring into the middle distance like something’s… off. Not bad. Not good. Just off.
Here’s what they don’t tell you about healing: sometimes, when things aren’t terrible, your brain still demands a problem to solve. It’s not a trauma response, it’s just… Tuesday.
I used to think calm was a trick. A setup. The breath before the fall.
Like, if no one was yelling, something had to be wrong.
And if I wasn’t crying or rescuing or bleeding emotionally on the floor then I must be… faking it? Avoiding something? Missing something?
It turns out I was just addicted to feeling awful.
Not on purpose.
But when that becomes your normal, peace feels like a threat.
Like – why aren’t we catastrophizing today? Why am I not rehearsing a confrontation that will never happen in the shower? Why isn’t anything on fucking fire?
I’ve built entire relationships around chaos. Felt safest in situations where I was needed but never loved. Defined “worth” by how well I survived things that broke me.
So yeah. When I start to feel okay – when things level out – my brain sometimes glitches.
Not because something is wrong. But because it’s never been this quiet.
And silence? That’s suspish (Bailey Sarian voice).
But here’s what I’m learning (slowly, and yes, against my will): You don’t have to be in pain to be paying attention.
You don’t have to hurt to feel alive.
You can actually just be… okay. No soundtrack. No climax. No dramatic character arc.
Just… living. Quietly. Safely. Maybe even – dare I say – content?
So yeah. I’m okay. A bit suspicious.
But okay.
And if you’re there too?
You’re not broken. Like I’ve said before, none of us really are, we’re just going through different things. And you’re just adjusting.
To softness. To stillness. To being allowed to feel good without earning it through pain.
It’s weird. But it’s not wrong. It’s not a trap. It’s just peace.
And that’s okay. Seriously.
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