Not Lazy. Just Lost (for a while).
I’m not actually lazy.
I used to joke that I was “the laziest working bitch there is” back when drinking was still in the picture. I’d show up to my sales job, try to kill it during office hours and then… flatline. Laundry didn’t get done. Meals didn’t get made (unless you count toast three different ways). I figured I was just a world-class procrastinator – someone who always needed a fire lit under them to get moving.
But the more distance I’ve gotten from alcohol, the more I’ve realized: it wasn’t procrastination. It was prioritization. And alcohol always came first.
I didn’t really “put things off” – I just put things like going to the LCBO, the corner store and stocking up on liquor, cigarettes and mixers at the very top of my list. The rest of the day spiralled from there. I’d get drunk. Then maybe I’d call someone over. Or go out. Or scroll and spiral. Or just sit in the haze. Either way, nothing else stood a chance.
Now that I’m sober, I’m figuring out how to build days that aren’t just cleverly disguised escape plans. I try to do things that feel even vaguely constructive -things that push me forward instead of pulling me under. And the fact that I even think about my mental health now? That alone feels like the kind of twist that would’ve made me roll my eyes a year ago.
Here’s the thing: when you’re in active addiction, your world narrows. You focus on one thing – your addiction – and you build your whole life around how to feed it. Your needs, your goals, your joy? All background noise.
I’m not and was never a lazy bitch (maybe just a bitch, sometimes 🙄); my addiction was just preoccupying, taking over my true, honest self and all of my precious time.
And meeting that self can seem quite frightening because it’s new, unfamiliar. And to add insult to injury, you no longer have an addictive crutch to rely on – but you don’t fucking need one. Meeting and getting to know your actual self can have good and bad surprises but it’s still the most awesome. Nothing in life is all sunshine and rainbows but how much brighter is the sun and how more vibrant are those colours when you’ve worked so hard, digging through the bullshit to see them?